Negative self-talk can affect both your self-esteem and your relationships.

But what is negative self-talk?

It’s not just the way we put ourselves down when we feel insecure. And it’s not just self-deprecating humor. It’s not all the unsolicited apologies we give about ourselves.

Negative self-talk is projecting our negative mood into a situation. It’s deflecting compliments. It’s ANY negative thoughts we have about ourselves. 

Here’s the deal. We think that preemptively putting ourselves down somehow makes things better. Or that we can make an embarrassing situation funny. Some of us think that self-loathing might help us change or improve. None of this is true. When we put ourselves down, we are listening and validating our negativity. 

Let’s talk about how this can affect us in dating. When we talk badly about ourselves, we start believing what we are saying. That belief turns into how we view ourselves and two things happen:

1. We project our opinions of ourselves on others and treat them like we treat ourselves.

2. We look for people who validate how we feel about ourselves and mistreat us.

Neither one is a very healthy way to put ourselves out into the dating pool. You cannot possibly ask someone to love you when you do not love yourself.

So how do we stop the negative thoughts and start replacing them with positive thoughts?

First, start by making a list of the things you are good at and the things you do like about yourself. Try to find lots of things, not just a few.

Every morning before you leave the house, read the list.

Every night before you go to bed, read the list. Hopefully you will memorize the list.

Then, practice replacing your negative thoughts about yourself with positive ones. Try four or five at a time. Practice this until it becomes a habit.

For instance, I went through a clumsy stage a few years ago. I kept tripping over myself or falling in awkward places. I started validating my clumsiness by joking about it and telling people I was clumsy or klutzy before they even saw it.

THEN, I remembered being a child and riding on a skateboard. I played point guard in basketball in junior high school. I was anything but clumsy! I was actually very coordinated. Now I remind myself of that regularly and have stopped having so many clumsy accidents. Is it that simple? It is!

We all make mistakes, that is part of our human experience. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. But instead of validating them, make small goals to change them. And maybe you can use the things you like about yourself to change the things you don’t like. You will live a happier life and will be putting yourself out there in a much better and healthier way.